I hope karma gets you sooner then later …

Some people deserve a very BIG dose of karma. I just found out some really hurtful information about myself from someone I thought was a friend. Trust me, she will be confronted. I am a confrontational person when it needs to be done, and in this case it needs to be done. This person whose credibility is totally lacking has the gall to backstab me when she was the one who had an affair on her husband not once but TWICE in their relationship and once with one of his best mates, so who the fuck is she … I am brewing on the inside, lemme tell you. On the outside no one would have a clue, but she would … She’s known me a LONG time, and she knows this will have me seething, so why do it? I doubt with what she said, she’d have wanted it to come back to me, but it has, some 4 years later, so the confrontation won’t be expected as such. She’ll only have to look me in the eyes and KNOW she’s fucked …

In other news … I miss S. I miss him and love him SO much. I didn’t have a clue what love really was until I met him. He’s brought things out in me that no one ever has, and it breaks my heart to think the things I do at times. I just want him to see that I only ever had his best interests at heart and I never wanted him to feel like I was suffocating him. He’d never been with anyone who actually cared about HIM, and what he wanted, and what he stood for and I think it scared him so he used me as an excuse. I could also be totally wrong, but I don’t think I am. Especially because he doesn’t want to see me in person. He cannot control what he’d do if he saw me, so yes let’s run away … like a scared little boy.

I wish he realised …

The days are running into one another …

I just realised I hadn’t been blogging for a few days, my mind has been elsewhere literally. S has been online and I haven’t spoken to him. I have him blocked so he cannot see me but I can see him. I am not ready to speak to him. I just know I’ll get annoyed so until that time when I can talk to him in a mature manner I won’t be … I know why he is online, to look for me … He hadn’t been online in a wee while and then all of a sudden he is back. I am not around for him to talk to. I am sure someone else can speak with him, he doesn’t need his hand held by me.

To be honest, I haven’t really thought about him, which has been nice. if anything when his name pops into my head I push it out of my mind and think of the present, and it works well with me. I don’t check my phone anymore, I don’t check email anymore, I don’t even wake up or go to sleep thinking of him anymore. I am truly letting go. I don’t even know if I want to talk with him again or if I even want him back in any capacity. I am pretty happy just being … on my own. And at this moment in time it feels right.

So why would I want to sabotage something right with me for once in my life? Something to ponder.

This is when I need to journal …

I miss you …A letter I am writing him but won’t be sending …

Dear S

I miss you. Yes I miss you. I said it … But I am not going to talk to you. Why? Because I want to come back to you as the person I was when you met me, the person who had not a care in the world, the person who smiled and laughed and loved being in your company, yes THAT girl. The girl you said was too cute, the girl you called lots of fun, the girl you trusted and loved kissing and hugging. The girl you loved receiving massages from. Well that girl is still here, she never left … she just lost her way a wee bit, but she is pretty much back, and she is trimmer then she was when we met, and she has longer hair … but she is still the mysterious girl you were so very attracted to. And maybe, just maybe, I love you … who am I kidding, of course I love you, or I would not be missing you.

You were the first person to get to me, my heart, under my skin in such a way that it’s made me nuts. But you are also the only person where I did not react when you said you wanted a step back, I did not react when you said you were not ready for a relationship right now, I simply agreed, because I knew that one day we WILL be together. Why do I know this? I feel it in my bones, I feel you … You know I do, you know we have a connection, hence why you shit yourself … you know it, and I know it … but I want you to REALLY know it and feel it. I want you to miss me as much as I miss you.

I know you got a shock when I agreed I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I remember your response of, ‘Oh, I thought you wanted a relationship?’ I never once said that … I wanted to get to know you, I wanted to learn about you, I never once wanted to change you … You don’t need to be changed, you are perfect for me. You are exactly what I want inside and out. I know you have a hard time accepting this, but you better believe it.

You and me, we’ll be together, it’s only a matter of time. Time, the key word in all of this, and patience. Patience is worth everything when it involves being with the one person you feel alive around, the one person you know is PERFECT …

See you in my dreams.

I am …

“I’m a woman of value.
I’m a woman of dignity.
I’m a woman of trust.
I’m a woman of grace.

I’m a woman who knows what I want.
I’m a woman who’s truly me.

I will not beg you to want me.
I will not cling on you to accept me.
I will not hold on to you so you can pity me.

You WILL reject me, but only I will accept you.
You WILL want me, but only I will take you.
You WILL desire me, but only I will decide to keep you.
You WILL break me, but only if I decide to let you.

I am in control. Of myself, my heart and my emotions.

Only I am the TRUE master of my own happiness, never you.

You are a drug I will withdraw from.
I DON’T need you.

I am a woman who will love, only to someone who loves themselves.”

I had so much to say …

And I still do. But getting it out onto a blog is becoming quite hard because I think of what to say when I am at the gym and I cannot obviously write it down while I am on the treadmill, now can I? No, so by the time I get home, most of what I wanted to say doesn’t seem that great by the time I get to my laptop to put it down.

It’s been 2 weeks since I spoke to S. It’s been easier then I anticipated which bothers me slightly. I think if it feels easy for me, it probably feels easy for him to. But then again who knows what he is thinking, or if he even cares??? I don’t even know if I want to communicate with him again. I know, his lies have really hurt me. 3 weeks ago he said he’d send me a birthday present. Why say this if you are not going to follow through? How can I trust that, or him? Does he not realise it’s not so easy for me to just forget he lied, especially on my birthday of ALL days? he’s not that bad a person, is he? I don’t want to think he is. Grrrrrrr …

I’m seriously annoyed. Seriously!

One day I’ll fly away …

Not even sure why I used that heading, but I did and it is staying.

The executive decision HAS been made, but me! Why? Because I can.

It’s actually not that hard being on my own. I always knew I didn’t need anyone, but as soon as I get close to someone I become this big needy ogre … Who wants to be that person? Not me. But sadly I become this. And it shits me because this is NOT who I am.

I’ll get it right one day, hopefully.

I do believe that S is the one for me. I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him, he knew it in me as soon as he saw me. I haven’t been in contact with S for a week now and it’s really strange to me, this is the longest we’ve not talked since we started talking in late January. It seems almost surreal, but it’s VERY real. VERY real. I am not liking it very much though. I miss him in the familiarity way. I know that once I get over that phase, that’s it, but I need to in order to evolve … I am between a rock and a hardplace right now.

I am sure the universe will give me clues … in time when I am ready.

Pro’s & Con’s of my Short-Term Love with S …

We’ll go the Con’s first. May as well get the bad stuff over and done with eh?

• Actions never matched his words
• Lies
• Communication Breakdown (both sides)
• Double Standards : he could talk about his ex and he even sms’d her for her birthday but I couldn’t talk about my exes. I trusted him to let him SMS her. I was not threatened by her, but he didn’t want to hear ANYTHING about my past. He said that if I spoke about it, I wasn’t over it. I spoke about it so he understood where I was coming from. I liked him talking about his past because I knew where he stood. I am at that time in my life where I am comfortable talking about my past and what happened … it’s shaped me into the person I am today. I am stronger for it, hence why I will be ok if we do not get back together. I have been through worse …
• Lack of trust/respect (my side)

Pro’s

• Passionate
• Warm
• Common Interets and lifegoals
• Both Artistic (music and design)
• Could laugh together
• Fun
• Connection
• Comfortable with one another
• Physical Chemistry/Attraction is VERY strong.

The Physical chemistry is that strong, S decided we couldn’t physically see one another after we decided we didn’t want a relationship at this point because and I quote ‘I am a man and well … you don’t want that and I don’t want that’ so basically because he can’t control his mojo and keep his dick in his pants he doesn’t want to see me in person or on weekends because he knows what will happen. Since when did I get a say in this? Oh yes THAT’S RIGHT, his immaturity and his FEAR of how he would act around me is MY punnishment.

Thanks for THAT S, thanks a fucking lot!

One thing I cannot handle is the lies.

So last week 29th of March was my birthday.

S smsed me and said he wanted my address so he could send me a b’day present he’d got for me. I said ok, and gave him the address. Maybe he was waiting for me to get all pissy and stuff. I didn’t …  How insulting, let me explain … Now I am not even good enough to be visited when he wanted to spend the Saturday night before my b’day with me in person? I cancelled that,  so now I am not worth shit on my actual BIRTHDAY? But that’s not the worst part of all of this, he lied about sending the present when he said he would because it’s been a week since he said he’d send it and it would take ONE day … If my sister who lives in another state can send it and it arrives in ONE day, so will his … but no, he never had ANY intention of sending it. And you know what? I don’t even care if he had a present for me, but don’t say you’re going to send something and then don’t even send it. That’s fricken worse, fuck that bullshit! As my mum said, ‘he’s a weirdo, get rid of him …’ But as I told Mum it’s alright because I had not heard from him ALL easter weekend, so I sent him an email stating that I thought it was best if we ceased communication in ALL forms and I will contact him when ready … His response was: ‘OK, take care ‘ He wasn’t even meant to reply, so he didn’t even read what I said!

I really wonder why I bother with relationships and STUPID men.